Born of the Blues

I sometimes feel as though I am built from sadness. I don’t mean that I am inherently sad, or that I’ve never known happiness. These things would be clearly untrue. Instead, there’s simply a nagging sensation I get when I’m feeling a bit down that I am the sum of so many unhappy events, a sculpture cast in a mould shaped by sadness.

I don’t mean to whine. My problems are my own, I try wherever possible to deal with them on my own. There are many worse off than me. I’m just introspecting, not moaning. I look at myself most often when I feel sad, perhaps it’s then I have the most keen insight to know myself.

And one thing I see most clearly is that I am the product of negativity. All the formative events in my life have been negative ones. These things which have defined who I have become, they have been things which have hurt me.

Perhaps it is because when I am happy I tend to coast. If I have some great success I will be pleased but it will not change me; even the greatest rewards will yield no lesson in life for me. If you want to affect a change in my personality, bruise me. It’s the only thing I’ll remember.

I don’t remember my first kiss. It’s not that I was drunk (though I was), it’s that it really hasn’t meant anything to me in the long term. I remember the first argument I had with a boyfriend. There are people I can’t remember entering a relationship with; there are no break-ups I have forgotten.

Memory is a net: one that finds it full of fish when he takes it from the brook, but a dozen miles of water have run through it without sticking.” For me, those things which have stuck have been the times I’ve been hurt, or done things wrong, or failed or not even tried. These are the fish my net is filled with. Such are the staple of my dinners and teas; the plates I set before myself.

I would like to think that I’ll have experiences, moments of joy or utter satisfaction, which will one day become part of the scaffolding which dictates my shape. I’d like to think that I’m not the negative result of an assortment of negative events. But life is what it is, I am what I am, and my tea is almost ready.

Bon appetit.


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December 2011
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