I’m sorry if I’m not really here
(though I am here, it’s just perspective and
you never did like that nuanced shit);
it’s just that I’m there again when I see
that look in your eyes.
I don’t like being the one in the wrong,
so I’ll pretend you’re right about all this
and that it doesn’t matter. Yes
it’s some sick, wasted and empty fantasy
(I want to say it isn’t but I’m too tired to
argue anymore)
and yes,
here I am again putting myself at the centre of it all
(it’s not you that says that, just a voice in my head).
I don’t want to be a burden,
you don’t deserve it and I
might have done the same in your position
(I wouldn’t)
so let’s draw a line under it
and I’ll be there to support your future.
What we had was special, and you’re right
let’s keep it together
and learn
and grow.
I can adjust. I’ll see it your way (if only
because my way blinds me) and
we’ll be just like we were before.
But if you notice that I’m acting
or that my responses are mechanical or
I speak with a hard edge you didn’t hear before;
if I’m here with you but not really,
and you wonder why as I am myself muffled through
a layer of crepe paper
then it’s because when I see that look in your eyes
I am there again and
if I’m here but not really
I’m (not)
sorry.