If I’m Here (But Not Really)

I’m sorry if I’m not really here

(though I am here, it’s just perspective and

you never did like that nuanced shit);

it’s just that I’m there again when I see

that look in your eyes.


I don’t like being the one in the wrong,

so I’ll pretend you’re right about all this

and that it doesn’t matter. Yes

it’s some sick, wasted and empty fantasy

(I want to say it isn’t but I’m too tired to

argue anymore)

and yes,

here I am again putting myself at the centre of it all

(it’s not you that says that, just a voice in my head).


I don’t want to be a burden,

you don’t deserve it and I

might have done the same in your position

(I wouldn’t)

so let’s draw a line under it

and I’ll be there to support your future.


What we had was special, and you’re right

let’s keep it together

and learn

and grow.

I can adjust. I’ll see it your way (if only

because my way blinds me) and

we’ll be just like we were before.


But if you notice that I’m acting

or that my responses are mechanical or

I speak with a hard edge you didn’t hear before;

if I’m here with you but not really,

and you wonder why as I am myself muffled through

a layer of crepe paper

then it’s because when I see that look in your eyes

I am there again and

if I’m here but not really

I’m (not)



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