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Mustache is cool, claims Gaddafi

This just in from our Libyan bureau…

Mop-haired Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi is at the centre of a storm today after claiming his famous pencil-thin facial hair is trendy. Gaddafi, 69, shouted the comments from the top of a hotel in Tripoli. Overhead by a passing tourist who was shopping for mangos, the claims rapidly spread through popular social media outlets such as Google Buzz and MySpace.


“My facial hair is still cool,” the dictator bellowed from behind his fixed deathmask of a face whilst wrapped in a beige shower curtain. “All my people love my mustache. The Americans want to drug you and shave off your mustaches.”


Initially the reaction to his statement was a sense of general disagreement, but this is rapidly giving way to confusion and anger.




The negative reaction began in Eastern Libya, where mustaches are traditionally fulsome and bushy. “The man is an idiot,” one citizen cursed through a mouthful overgrown facial hair, “Everyone knows that silly little mustaches are for silly little men. Just look at Hitler.”


A passing Gaddafi supporter interjected “Oh yeah? How about Stalin? How’d you like them apples?” A fight between the two began, with neither side emerging victorious. Here fortunately the conflict was mainly casualty-free, though one elderly female who was out walking her dog was slightly startled. Medics on the scene treated her with a digestive and a cup of tea and she is expected to make a full recovery.


Those elsewhere in Libya have been less fortunate. Violence has been spreading, with both sides accusing the others of crimes against humanity. “They pinned me to the floor,” one protester told us, hiding his upper lip behind his hand. “They pinned me to the floor and shaved my mustache. Look at it now,” the man said and revealed his recently shorn mustache now as thin as a stick of licorice. “What am I supposed to do with this? What is the point of this?”


‘No-Gillette zone’


The international community have reacted swiftly but with little force. Following widespread claims that Gaddafi himself had been seen wielding a mustache comb and a pair of barber’s scissors, the United States issued a statement calling for restraint and greater tolerance for outdated facial hair. “These shavings are totally incompatible with the standards of behaviour expected of a country in today’s world,” Hilary Clinton noted whilst wearing a thick false mustache to show solidarity with the East Libyan bloc, “I call on Muammar Gaddafi to recognise the will of his people to make their own choices about their destiny when it comes to their mustaches.”


Responses elsewhere have been mixed. France has announced it is sending a team of specialist hair transplant surgeons to the East of the country, along with boxes full of stage glue and hair shaved from the armpits of Parisian women. Meanwhile David Cameron has apologised for Britain’s slowness to react to the unfolding situation. “We made a mistake,” he said, “but we can only learn from this experience.” At this point the Prime Minister attempted to subtly reveal that under his jacket he was wearing a “Make Pencil Mustaches History” bracelet.


‘A close shave’


Greater action from the international community may be inevitable however. A plane evacuating mustachioed British citizens was sprayed with shaving foam by an unknown assailant, and the pilot only narrowly escaped with his lamb-chop sideburns intact.


As Libya slides ever closer towards chaos, analysts are predicting the downfall of Colonel Gaddafi. “At this point it’s really too late,” says Milgram Coddlebucket of the Institute for Facial Hair-based Policy Studies, “even if he decided to change his facial hair now he’d need several weeks of growth before his mustache was long enough to be demonstrably different, and he just doesn’t have that kind of time.”


Whatever lays ahead for Libya, it unfortunately looks certain to involve further violence and, most likely, industrial quantities of shaving foam.


July 2018
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